Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Food for thought...or not

For a long time, I thought I wanted to be a journalist or a writer of some sort. Initially, I just wanted to write a novel, but then I joined my school newspaper and loved it so much that I decided that that was the new plan. I thought I could became a famous, well respected journalist, writing about all of the things I loved, like movies and music and all that jazz. But you see, I just wanted people to like me and my opinions, hell I was desperate for the praise and attention. I only wanted self gratification out of my writing, not because I really had something to say that I thought the world needed to hear. Nope, I just wanted people to like me, to perceive me as interesting and smart and witty. So anytime I wrote anything I didn't write for myself. I wrote for others, which I know, makes no sense when I say I wrote for self gratification, but it is so true. I wrote, thinking, "This is what people want to hear, these words, this way of writing, it has to flow just so."Maybe I am a perfectionist. Or maybe I am just plain stupid. I say this because I know that by doing this I have held myself back so much from something I used to love. By only wanting to write what I thought others wanted to hear and not what I wanted them to hear, I stopped writing altogether. Every time I wrote, I never felt good enough, smart enough or capable enough. And I never ever finished what I started. EVER. Not since the school newspaper have I taken an idea and just ran with it.

This blog was supposed to be my fresh start . In a lot of ways it has served its purpose. It got me to take a subject and stick with it. And it taught me, along with cooking and baking, to finally learn to believe in myself and my capabilities. For the first time in a long while, I had my niche and I loved it. But then I felt boxed in and stopped writing altogether. I started school, got distracted, and put limitations on myself. I felt like I was always racking my brain for original ideas of what to cook or bake and just felt done. I was becoming increasingly annoyed that I was out of ideas and instead of just baking what I wanted to bake, I once again, reverted back to my old ways of writing. I realize this now. This past year has taught me some hard lessons about life and myself, most of which have nothing to do with writing, but have influenced me as a person, which in turn, affects every aspect of my life, including my writing. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to let other's opinions affect me solely. I don't need that. I need that inner voice more often. The one that inspires me, if only for a few minutes at a time. And so, it will be. I know this was supposed to be a food blog, initially, but sometimes it may be just for me to ramble a little bit and to talk about whatever inspires me. I need that. I hope you can understand, or at the very least, respect that.